Tutus and Tea Parties

I'm not sure I could even recount for you all the craziness that has been the last few weeks. So instead I will just give you some cute pictures of little girls in tutus.

The playhouse is finally done and I'll post about it soon! (Obviously it was only partially completed when I took this picture.)

I'm sorry for the long delays recently between posts because I love to write and to keep you all updated. So i'll try to do better in the coming weeks! 

Do You Still Sing? - Dealing with Inadequacies

Almost every time I go back to Louisiana I have someone ask me, "Do you still sing?"

I wish I had a better answer for them, but at this season of life my answer is - no.

It's not as though I have no desire to sing. I've just learned that I don't force opportunities. God gave me the abilities I have and He'll open the doors He wants in His time, but this wasn't always how I felt about singing.

There are parts of your life in which giftings are developed and times where they lie dormant. It's not that they have disappeared or that they've been taken away, it's just not their season.

For some who have only become a part of my life in recent years, you may not know that at one point I sang... a lot. Some people grew up being known as a jock, a cheerleader, a thespian, an academic, but I was known as a singer (and probably as a Bible thumper).  It's strange to think that its been around 6 years since I've sung in public... Wow, the thought of that is just crazy to me.

But with some of your greatest giftings can come your greatest fears of inadequacies, that has always been the case with me and singing. When I began singing, I constantly had to be coaxed into doing it loud enough for people to actually hear me. 

I was starting to discover this ability in middle school and was shocked when other people noticed it as well. For years, people would have to pull me out of my shell. I sang in school plays and with the youth band during our middle school service. Pretty soon I was even taking lessons.

Over the years I performed in talent shows, pageants, on numerous worship teams, at sporting events, in choirs, at outdoor community concerts, at national competitions, and in plays. I even sang in a Gospel choir, now that was fun. And while getting out on any stage was never easy for me, I really did love it. I loved all of it. I loved leading people into worship. I enjoyed the theatrics of musical theater. And I lived for any competition that allowed me to sing. 

I have had some of my highest highs and lowest lows come out of one of this gifting. The hardest part about a gifting also being an insecurity is that you take your failures much more personally.

I've had more embarrassing singing fiascos than I care to relive, but there is one that beats them all.

Honestly, I haven't spoken much about this day since it happened, although others have often reminded me of it.

It was my senior year. I was Miss Teen Louisiana and I was asked to sing the National Anthem at one of my high school's football games. The thing that was different about this game was that it was being nationally televised and held in a football stadium large enough that it also holds college bowl games- so there were A LOT of people there. I was excited and terrified. This was the first time I would perform the anthem while actually standing on the field. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but it's a whole different ball of wax.

Let's just say it didn't go as planned.

I made it most of the way through before singing the wrong words and then I got lost. I knew I had to hold it together, so I stopped, laughed and started completely over. I knew I had to handle it with grace. I knew I couldn't show how much it hurt me. I had to be strong. It wasn't that big a deal? Right? To make it that much better, I wasn't in front of strangers. I was in front of friends, classmates, teachers, pastors.... heck pretty much my entire church was there. I knew that no matter how much I wanted it to disappear, this humiliating event would be continually relived over and over again. It was forever dubbed - the LONGEST performance of the National Anthem ever.

As soon as I finished, I smiled and laughed as I exited the field. I ran up to the press box as fast as I could to be with my dad and to be as far away from other people as possible. Of course everyone I met along the way had a comment, as did everyone in the box. All I could think was - PLEASE stop talking to me. Please.

Next thing I knew, I found myself, alone, in a bathroom... crying.

For years, people felt the need to bring that story up. I would laugh along with them because what else do you do? I had always wanted so badly to be an amazing singer, for it to be effortless and natural, and that one failure was more than enough to warrant my fears of insecurity.

It set so deeply in me that it took almost three years for me to pick up the microphone to sing the Anthem again, and even when I did I didn't tell a sole. Eventually I confided in one person, our resident dorm "mom", who coincidently is now my mother-in-law :) I auditioned to sing the National Anthem for my college's basketball games. They heard me sing, signed me up and decided I would start with a women's game for a test run. Sadly not nearly enough people attend our women's basketball games, but in this instance I was VERY happy about that fact. I needed to test the waters and get my confidence back with as few witnesses as possible.

The day had finally come and the arena was practically empty, I was so relieved. But just moments before I took the floor to sing, I heard loud chanting coming from the hallways and my heart dropped to the floor. "Please dear God, no!" Yes, it was them. I was a part of a CRAZY fan group that attended our men's basketball games in college- the Mabee Maniacs. But rarely, if ever, did we attend women's games. I guess I missed the memo that this was their first women's game to attend that season. Lucky me.

So as I took to the floor to sing, hoping they wouldn't realize that I was the one singing, they started chanting- "She's a maniac! She's a maniac!" Seriously God!? What did I do to deserve this?!

All I could do then was go on a wing and a prayer. Surely it couldn't be as bad as the last time! Well thankfully, it wasn't. It was fine. It might not have been anything amazing, but I made it through, I didn't have to start over and they even invited me back.

In fact, during my time at ORU, I sang at more sporting events than I could count. They nicknamed me "Old Faithful" and continued to call me to sing even after I graduated.

As I think back through that story, I wonder how many times in my life have I done the same thing to someone else? How many times has someone smiled and laughed with me as I reopened old wounds, and reaffirmed their hidden insecurities? I honestly shutter to think.

I just wonder how many people are currently sitting on the sidelines because of failure. How many people are refusing to take that leap for fear that they might encounter that pain of rejection all over again? I know I did.

Just because God has given us specific gifts or talents doesn't mean He's somehow promised us that using them won't come with costs, but He expects us to use them anyway. Just because something makes us feel uncomfortable doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. In fact, sometimes it's a good indication that He's trying to stretch us.

I don't know if I'm writing this for anyone other than myself. But I do know that we have the abilities He's given us for very specific reasons and if we are choosing not to use them simply out of fear of the unknown- we are not living to the fullness that He's called us to.

An Accidental Blessing

About halfway into our six hour drive from Oklahoma to Louisiana, I had a dreaded realization- I had forgotten R's Pack-N-Play. I was hit with sheer panic. 

We had been trying to move her out of her crib and into her "big girl bed" for months now, but to no avail and now we were going to have a trial by fire. 

Neither of the girls napped on the drive down, needless to say they were exhausted and cranky by the time bedtime rolled around. We had no idea what to do to make sure R stayed put,  so we ended up surrounding the queen size bed with pretty much everything tall and sturdy enough to keep her contained. 

We failed. 

She screamed and cried herself to sleep, even though my mom and I stayed with her for what seemed like hours. And at approximately 1:45 AM, I heard a blood curdling scream and my mom and I made it to her room at the same moment. She was upside down in a small space between the bed and the night stand. Now have no fear, she was completely fine, just shaken up. Mom and I decided that she faired better than we did. We were mortified.

So I had a sleeping buddy the rest of the night, one who needed a constant reminder that I was, in fact, still there. I cannot even recall how many times she slapped me in the face, just to make sure I hadn't left. 

Yea, I didn't get much sleep. But at least I knew she was ok.

Night one- epic fail.

I went into day two without any expectations. We borrowed some bed rails and had a little more assurance that even if she didn't sleep, she shouldn't roll off the bed this time.

At nap time I "bribed" her with milk and an iPad (don't judge) and it worked! Not only did she get some rest while watching her movie (without tears), but she fell asleep! I was beyond thrilled- I was now one for two.

The real test came that night. All I could do was hold my breath and pray for no tears, no injuries and no sleeping buddy. I knew I was pushing my luck with my wish list, but that's exactly what I got! Now this time I did I few things differently. We left the light on in her bathroom, gave her "bug bug" her light up lady bug and put her to bed in a much better mood than night before. She slept like a dream, not so much as a peep out of her until her normal wake-up time of 6:45am. Even when she woke-up she just called for me a few times and waited until I came to get her. The rail only went around the top part of the bed and she could have easily "escaped" on her own. I was one proud mama, and I made sure to tell her that over and over again. 

We managed a full 10 nights there without any more episodes or issues and I was simply amazed. She slept through the night, took naps and never once tried to get out of the bed! I'm wondering if my trial by fire might have been a lucky stroke of genius? - Allow them to be in unfamiliar surroundings where they have no preconceived ideas of how things should be and then make the needed adjustments.

I have no idea if this would work for any other child, but for me it worked like a dream (as long as you forget that whole first night fiasco). 

So when we were heading back home to Oklahoma, I let R know that she would be sleeping in her big girl bed. We had already gone through the hard part of adjusting and I definitely didn't want to take steps backwards. She fought me and insisted that she wanted to sleep in her crib, however when nighttime time, she did just fine. We have given her lots of praise and encouragement and she just lights up every time we tell her what a good job she is doing. 

Now I will admit that since returning home, nap time hasn't gone quite as smoothly. I think it's mainly because she's just gone back to not napping, so the temptation to get out of a bed only inches from the floor it too much. However, even when she gets out it is only to get toys or books and take them back to her bed. 

Overall, I am one very proud mama. I hate seeing them grow up so quickly, but love cheering them on as they do. And I am very grateful that what I see as an accidental blessing, God planned far in advance.

It's the little things in life, that aren't so little.