I'm Still Here

This is a post just to let all of my friends and family know that I am, in fact, still here.

My blog posts have become few and far between and my outings have become even more sparce. Having three kids three and under has been wonderful and challenging all at the same time. Things I could have managed with two, just don't work with three. 

Why yes I would LOVE to bring the girls to the pool! My big girls would enjoy that! But I need both hands free just to be able to ensure they both stay alive, so what do I do with G? 

Oh a free movie sounds amazing! But I'm not sure my four month old would cooperate long enough to make it enjoyable (or quiet enough) for everyone else. 

So after you've had to turn people down once or twice, you just stop hearing from them. Of course it's not their fault! It's just the season I'm in. I'm sure there are some of you superhuman moms out there who would have accepted those challenges head on and made it work for you. I have just tried and failed one too many times to push those boundaries very often, at least not without an extra set of hands with me (lest we forget "The Day From..."). Mommyhood is amazing, but let's just be honest here, at times it can be lonely too!

For now we are spending lots of time at home. The inflatable pool is being used daily, watercolors cover the kitchen table, Legos are scattered incessantly across the living room floor and our house is constantly in F5 tornado status. We stay at home more than I'd like, but these little girls are soaking in the sunshine and living in their own little worlds filled with daydreams of fairies, princesses and ballerinas. 

All that to say... I'm still here! No need to put out missing persons posters or send out a search party. I'm just watching these little girls grow up faster than I could have ever imagined. I miss you all but one of these days I'll see you again. ;)

We Believe

You know those songs that take you to another place and time? Well this is one of those songs for me. If you've never heard We Believe  by the Newsboys, please stop and listen to it now.

 It was a sweltering, sunny day almost one year ago. I was driving down the interstate alone heading to a doctors appointment to find out the fate of my little girl when this song came on radio. My head was spinning. Do I make a choice to end her life to save my own? Do I defy the doctors recommendations and carry this baby regardless? Do I release her to God and make a choice no parent should ever be faced with, ending the life of a child? I had already spent days and nights on my knees in prayer for this tiny little being living inside of me but this was my ultimate moment of surrender. If I truly believed that God is who I knew Him to be, then I had to let go. The song played and the tears began to stream down my face. I knew I had to release her, that regardless of what the doctor was about to tell me, she was in God's hands and out of my own. I already knew what they thought. Her heart was still beating but in the eyes of science she was dead, and then the words of this song resounded in my head, "let our faith be more than anthems. Greater than the songs we sing." "Let the lost be found and the dead be raised." "We believe that He conquered death." My faith needed to be in God, not in the result of any one set of circumstances. I was believing for the life of my baby. But even more than that, I was believing that regardless of the outcome of my situation that God was still in control and that He was still good. I know I've posted this before, but this image sums it up well.

One year later, as I write this post, I get to stare into the eyes of that beautiful baby girl. That day, the doctor took one look at the image on the screen, shrugged and said, "I don't know what to tell you. It moved." No sweeter words have I ever heard. It's amazing how such a small distance of movement at a pivotal point in life can mean the difference between life and death. We got our miracle and I'm reminded of it every day as I see that laid back, happy little baby fill our house and our lives with joy. 

But more than anything else, I'm thankful for a hope that far surpasses anything that this world tells us. 

It might have been a year ago, but the lyrics of this song still resonate with me like it was yesterday.

"We Believe"

In this time of desperation

When all we know is doubt and fear

There is only one foundation

We believe, we believe

In this broken generation

When all is dark, You help us see

There is only one salvation

We believe, we believe

We believe in God the Father

We believe in Jesus Christ

We believe in the Holy Spirit

And He's given us new life

We believe in the crucifixion

We believe that He conquered death

We believe in the resurrection

And He's comin' back again, we believe

So, let our faith be more than anthems

Greater than the songs we sing

And in our weakness and temptations

We believe, we believe

Let the lost be found and the dead be raised

In the here and now, let love invade

Let the church live loud our God we'll say

We believe, we believe

And the gates of hell will not prevail

For the power of God, has torn the veil

Now we know Your love will never fail

We believe, we believe!

We believe in God the Father

We believe in Jesus Christ

We believe in the Holy Spirit

And He's given us new life

We believe in the crucifixion

We believe that He conquered death

We believe in the resurrection

And He's comin' back,

He's comin' back again

He's comin' back again

We believe

We believe

- Newsboys -