The Little Girl I Dreamed Of

As a child, I had a recurring dream. There was a little girl sitting in the second pew of a church. I was standing on a stage speaking and she was the only one in the sanctuary I could focus on. She had a big bow on her head and wavy, brown hair. That's all of the dream I could ever remember, but I had it over and over again. I probably wasn't even 10 when I started to dream about her.

I started journaling when I was about 13 years old and I mention this little girl in the first journal entry I ever made. I said that I didn't know who she was, but I knew that one day I would be able to help her. 

 I have no doubt that THIS precious baby is my "little girl."

I am constantly amazed and in awe of God and the way He works. That He would speak to the heart of a child to prepare her for such an important calling that was decades away.

When we first joined our church, our pastor was in the process of trying to adopt. In the middle of the adoption the country closed adoptions to the U.S. and after years of fighting for this child, they lost the battle. But as they navigated through this difficult journey, the congregation got updates on their progress. Being that our pastor was so immersed in process, he often spoke about God's heart for adoption and His love of orphans. He said something one day that completely changed the way I viewed adoption. He asked why adoption had to be a last resort or last step when growing your family.

I have always wanted to adopt, but I too thought of it as something we could do when WE DECIDED we were done having children. It's amazing how we think we know what's best for us.  I have no doubt that being at this church during this time was very strategic on God's part. He was planting seeds in both of our hearts for our little gift that was to come.

I never had any doubts that what we were doing was exactly what God called us to do. But before Baby Girl arrived, I let fear creep in. I started to worry about my abilities as a mom. I started to wonder if R would somehow feel neglected or unloved as I tried to learn how to split my time and attention between now two children. Would I be able to be enough of a mom for both of them? I hadn't even had enough time with one child to have delusions that I had somehow mastered this "mom thing" and now God wanted me to raise TWO of them! 

But it didn't take long to realize that I didn't have time for any of those insecurities! We were quickly thrown back into the newborn phase were sleep and sanity seemed in short supply. Being a mom to a newborn is a great way for God to put you back on track to understanding that you have got to have Him in your life to make it. Self-reliance is a dangerous place to live as a new mom. The best part about having a relationship with the living God is realizing that you are, in fact, NOT enough and never will be. But He is. He is always more than enough.

I don't have any idea what a child who is adopted goes through as they process the fact that their story is different than most others. Some may carry a burden and others may never wonder what their life might have been like, but my goal as her mother is never to allow her to wonder if she is loved, wanted or accepted. I honestly don't worry about that too much because, if anything, she is MORE loved, not less. She has a mother and father, a birthmother and birthfather and FOUR sets of grandparents. Both of my girls are showered with love, prayers, gifts and blessings from every side.

There were so many details about this adoption that only God could have orchestrated. God knew that I didn't need to know about Baby Girl until she was over 6 months along. Why? Because I had a baby who started teething at 3 1/2 months and screamed herself to sleep every night. I would NOT have even considered it just a few months earlier. God also knew that I had "planned" to stop nursing R at one-year old. So I just moved from one baby to the next. It's amazing what your body can do. Yep, I was able to nurse my Baby Girl! Something I wouldn't have traded for the world. I may not have bonded with her in the womb, but it was such a surreal experience to be able to feed her as though I had. 

The nurses on the postpartum floor made sure that we had a room on their floor. We had rented a room on the other side of the hospital and they wouldn't hear of it. As we walked about the floor, we were constantly met with the remark, "Oh, you're the ones!" They treated us like royalty and it was amazing the testimonies that we got to tell over and over again about how great our God is. 

And just think….if our stories are this amazing…. how powerful will her own stories be?

 

Take one look at these girls and tell me they aren't sisters!? 

I was able to attend the last ultrasound before Baby Girl was born and do you know the ONLY thing we could see clearly on her face? Those cheeks! She had cheeks for days. You never know how accurate those pictures truly are. But 15 months later, she's as skinny as a rail but she still has those sweet cheeks. 

This past year has been anything but boring! I know that we are only beginning this adventure with her, but it has been so fun to watch her grow. She has gone from docile and low key to spunky and boisterous (something she no doubtably learned from her big sister!). R and Baby Girl are already best friends and it makes my heart happy. 

She has lost her "baby look" and has finally decided to join the world of walkers. But one of my favorite things about her is the joy that she carries with her everywhere she goes. People are drawn to her. Every time I pick her up from the church nursery, they tell me how much they love having her and how easy she is for them. She wasn't even a month old when I took her on her first road trip. It was just her and I, headed back to Louisiana for a very sad purpose- a death. It was strange to see new life in the presence of such sadness and mourning, but I feel like with her came a sense of hope and peace. I have no doubt that God will allow her to walk in that gifting all throughout her life. 

As I look back over my brief 28 years, I can see so many different things that God put in my path - people, opportunities, experiences, challenges- that were all preparing me for this journey, both as a mom and as an adoptive parent. 

We are blessed to have an open adoption with birthparents/grandparents that want to be involved in both of our children's lives. I know that most adoptive families are not so lucky. 

As I rocked a crying Baby Girl to sleep the other night, I got to talk to her about her Daddy. I told her about her birthfather, her "Dada" and her heavenly Father. I had the opportunity to explain to her how blessed she is by all the love she has here on earth, but that it pales in comparison to her Daddy God that holds her every night as she sleeps, guides her heart every day and loves her more than the rest of us could even imagine (and that's a LOT!). 

But in that moment, I was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed that God chose me to be the one to teach her these things. He let me be her Mama. I don't know why I am the one He blessed so much, but I am eternally grateful for His gift and for the trust that He placed in me to do my job well.

I love the movie We Bought A Zoo, but without a doubt my favorite line of the whole movie was when Benjamin Mee said, 

"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."

It's true. Sometimes when you are standing at the edge of that cliff, you just have to jump and trust that God will catch you. 

We did. And look how that turned out. 

It's truly what dreams are made of...

Mommy Confession

That's right... Mom of the Year here.

Coming at you again with one of my awesome stories about how together I have it. :) Enjoy.

I rarely eat breakfast.

Usually by the time I actually get both of my girls fed, we are either running out the door or it just doesn't make the top of my priority list. But on the days I manage, it's usually just toast. No, not even some kind of fancy cinnamon toast. No peanut butter or specialty bread. Just sandwich bread and a little butter- that's good day. Sad, I know. : )

I know some moms who manage three homemade meals on a daily basis. You know those moms? The ones who sit down with their kids and they all eat breakfast together while she sips on a piping hot cup of coffee. Ha! Yea, somehow I haven't managed to become that mom yet. I'm not sure I'll ever have it together enough to be "that mom." Oh well…

But on the special days and I get my toast, you know AFTER I have already fed my children. And what is the first thing they do? They want my toast. Of course. So being the "good" mom that I am, I oblige them, by giving them small pieces of my crust. Remember "those moms" I was talking about earlier? Yea, they wouldn't do that. Well first of all they would have just made extra toast, but even if they didn't- I am sure they would have just given the kid the toast. But not me. They get the crust.

The sad thing now is that whenever I make them their own toast… they only eat the crust… What little kid does that?! Mine. Because what mama gives me obviously has to be the best part. Oh I'm sorry girls, Mama really does love you- even if I give you my crust.

"Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he?…"   - Matthew 7:9-10

I mean I'm not giving them a rock or a snake. That counts for something, right?! Of course, I know some kids that might view them the same.

That's me… Best. Mom. Ever. 

On A Friday Just Like This...

It's crazy to think how quickly a year can go by. As the saying goes, "The hours are long, but the days are short." Ain't that the truth! Especially when you have small children.

It was a year ago on a beautiful Friday just like this that Jeff and I took our precious Baby Girl to the courthouse and waited for what seemed like hours. It wasn't until the night before that we even told family about the special day. I'm not sure why we waited. I think we just didn't know what to expect. But regardless of our tardiness, some were able to make it on such short notice.

We all sat in a crowded hallway full of other families preparing to make the same promise that we were. There were small children running everywhere and we were all constantly being scolded for our vocal levels, as there were multiple courtrooms in session. But I loved it. It was the sound of family- the sounds of joy, love and acceptance. It was a happy day.


Occasionally as we waited, we watched officers bring prisoners through. These men and women were shackled and chained, yet they were surrounded by people celebrating one of the happiest days of their lives. This juxtaposition was strange and a bit surreal, that the same halls that pronounce judgement and condemnation, tearing families apart; could also be a gateway through which a family can be created.   

I didn't expect the whole experience to be emotional because that just isn't me by nature. This day was supposed to be all business, but it was so much more. 

When we decided to adopt this precious little girl we were starting from ground zero. We had no clue about the adoption process. I knew it could be an arduous process with lots of moving pieces that takes time and money, but that was it. We only had TWO months from the time we were chosen as her adoptive family before Baby Girl arrived. It can take years to adopt a child. Most people have done everything long before they are even chosen as a placement family. But that wasn't the path God chose for us. We quickly connected with a lawyer and got started. We actually never met our lawyer until the day of the adoption proceedings and we were surprised to learn that she is well advanced in years and experience. She has been doing adoptions for over 40 years! At  least we had the best! She has done thousands and thousands of adoptions in her time and told us when we left the courthouse that she has NEVER had an adoption go this quickly from start to finish- less than 5 months.

Isn't God good!?

I don't remember much of what the judge said because I had a very active 15 month old running around at my feet. I do recall him mentioning that I was the ONLY wife he had ever had come through that did NOT know her husband's social security number. Yep, that's me… Best. Wife. EVER! :)  But I do remember the most important thing he said, "Congratulations on your Baby Girl." And I immediately felt this huge weight lift off me that I didn't even know was there. We got up on the stand with the judge and took our first "official" family picture and it just felt right. R took the judge's gavel and began to chew on it. When I went to take it out of her mouth, I noticed what it said- "The Best is Yet to Come." That got me emotional. Not only is it a great scriptural principal and timely word on a special day, but it was the scripture plastered across the wall of the church were my entire walk with The Lord began and was cultivated. It was God smiling down on me in that moment... and I knew He was pleased.

Now it was official. She was ours. No more timetables. No more paperwork. No more home visits. Now we weren't guided by other people's standards or regulations as to how we should raise our child. She was all ours and what a year its been!

We can't imagine our life without this precious Baby Girl!