As a child, I had a recurring dream. There was a little girl sitting in the second pew of a church. I was standing on a stage speaking and she was the only one in the sanctuary I could focus on. She had a big bow on her head and wavy, brown hair. That's all of the dream I could ever remember, but I had it over and over again. I probably wasn't even 10 when I started to dream about her.
I started journaling when I was about 13 years old and I mention this little girl in the first journal entry I ever made. I said that I didn't know who she was, but I knew that one day I would be able to help her.
I have no doubt that THIS precious baby is my "little girl."
I am constantly amazed and in awe of God and the way He works. That He would speak to the heart of a child to prepare her for such an important calling that was decades away.
When we first joined our church, our pastor was in the process of trying to adopt. In the middle of the adoption the country closed adoptions to the U.S. and after years of fighting for this child, they lost the battle. But as they navigated through this difficult journey, the congregation got updates on their progress. Being that our pastor was so immersed in process, he often spoke about God's heart for adoption and His love of orphans. He said something one day that completely changed the way I viewed adoption. He asked why adoption had to be a last resort or last step when growing your family.
I have always wanted to adopt, but I too thought of it as something we could do when WE DECIDED we were done having children. It's amazing how we think we know what's best for us. I have no doubt that being at this church during this time was very strategic on God's part. He was planting seeds in both of our hearts for our little gift that was to come.
I never had any doubts that what we were doing was exactly what God called us to do. But before Baby Girl arrived, I let fear creep in. I started to worry about my abilities as a mom. I started to wonder if R would somehow feel neglected or unloved as I tried to learn how to split my time and attention between now two children. Would I be able to be enough of a mom for both of them? I hadn't even had enough time with one child to have delusions that I had somehow mastered this "mom thing" and now God wanted me to raise TWO of them!
But it didn't take long to realize that I didn't have time for any of those insecurities! We were quickly thrown back into the newborn phase were sleep and sanity seemed in short supply. Being a mom to a newborn is a great way for God to put you back on track to understanding that you have got to have Him in your life to make it. Self-reliance is a dangerous place to live as a new mom. The best part about having a relationship with the living God is realizing that you are, in fact, NOT enough and never will be. But He is. He is always more than enough.
I don't have any idea what a child who is adopted goes through as they process the fact that their story is different than most others. Some may carry a burden and others may never wonder what their life might have been like, but my goal as her mother is never to allow her to wonder if she is loved, wanted or accepted. I honestly don't worry about that too much because, if anything, she is MORE loved, not less. She has a mother and father, a birthmother and birthfather and FOUR sets of grandparents. Both of my girls are showered with love, prayers, gifts and blessings from every side.
There were so many details about this adoption that only God could have orchestrated. God knew that I didn't need to know about Baby Girl until she was over 6 months along. Why? Because I had a baby who started teething at 3 1/2 months and screamed herself to sleep every night. I would NOT have even considered it just a few months earlier. God also knew that I had "planned" to stop nursing R at one-year old. So I just moved from one baby to the next. It's amazing what your body can do. Yep, I was able to nurse my Baby Girl! Something I wouldn't have traded for the world. I may not have bonded with her in the womb, but it was such a surreal experience to be able to feed her as though I had.
The nurses on the postpartum floor made sure that we had a room on their floor. We had rented a room on the other side of the hospital and they wouldn't hear of it. As we walked about the floor, we were constantly met with the remark, "Oh, you're the ones!" They treated us like royalty and it was amazing the testimonies that we got to tell over and over again about how great our God is.
And just think….if our stories are this amazing…. how powerful will her own stories be?
Take one look at these girls and tell me they aren't sisters!?
I was able to attend the last ultrasound before Baby Girl was born and do you know the ONLY thing we could see clearly on her face? Those cheeks! She had cheeks for days. You never know how accurate those pictures truly are. But 15 months later, she's as skinny as a rail but she still has those sweet cheeks.
This past year has been anything but boring! I know that we are only beginning this adventure with her, but it has been so fun to watch her grow. She has gone from docile and low key to spunky and boisterous (something she no doubtably learned from her big sister!). R and Baby Girl are already best friends and it makes my heart happy.
She has lost her "baby look" and has finally decided to join the world of walkers. But one of my favorite things about her is the joy that she carries with her everywhere she goes. People are drawn to her. Every time I pick her up from the church nursery, they tell me how much they love having her and how easy she is for them. She wasn't even a month old when I took her on her first road trip. It was just her and I, headed back to Louisiana for a very sad purpose- a death. It was strange to see new life in the presence of such sadness and mourning, but I feel like with her came a sense of hope and peace. I have no doubt that God will allow her to walk in that gifting all throughout her life.
As I look back over my brief 28 years, I can see so many different things that God put in my path - people, opportunities, experiences, challenges- that were all preparing me for this journey, both as a mom and as an adoptive parent.
We are blessed to have an open adoption with birthparents/grandparents that want to be involved in both of our children's lives. I know that most adoptive families are not so lucky.
As I rocked a crying Baby Girl to sleep the other night, I got to talk to her about her Daddy. I told her about her birthfather, her "Dada" and her heavenly Father. I had the opportunity to explain to her how blessed she is by all the love she has here on earth, but that it pales in comparison to her Daddy God that holds her every night as she sleeps, guides her heart every day and loves her more than the rest of us could even imagine (and that's a LOT!).
But in that moment, I was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed that God chose me to be the one to teach her these things. He let me be her Mama. I don't know why I am the one He blessed so much, but I am eternally grateful for His gift and for the trust that He placed in me to do my job well.
I love the movie We Bought A Zoo, but without a doubt my favorite line of the whole movie was when Benjamin Mee said,
"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."
It's true. Sometimes when you are standing at the edge of that cliff, you just have to jump and trust that God will catch you.
We did. And look how that turned out.
It's truly what dreams are made of...
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