It had been just over 24 hours since the accident, yet it felt as though a week had gone by and simultaneously like only an hour had passed. This spoke to my current state of mind. I walked the aisles of Target. My once sacred refuge felt empty. This cloud hovering above my head kept me in a blurred haze. I knew exactly what I needed and yet I felt as though I was aimlessly wondering. I snapped back into reality long enough to duck familiar faces, desperately not wanting to have to fake polite conversation.
The guilt was weighing heavy on my shoulders. This was not MY pain and yet my brain was still processing a trauma. I had four other human beings to care for, none of which could care for themselves. I wanted to snap my fingers and be myself. I wanted to wake up from this comatose version of me. But I simply couldn't. So I found myself wandering the aisles of target, alone in a store full of people.
I was dressed as I would always be, no more, no less. Anyone who did not know me would have no such inkling as to my current state of mind. But even in my fog, God was speaking to me. A mother and her child passed by in their cart and I silently pondered, "I wonder what they are going through?" God was allowing me to see beyond my own pain. He was using this situation to open my eyes to a hurting world passing me by unnoticed every day.
I have joked for years that God gave me many gifts, but empathy wasn't one of them. But now that I have it, I truly hope I never forget how I felt in the store that day. You simply never know the battles others are facing, sometimes even those we are the closest to are battling private demons.
I flashed back to the day we took Kinley home from the hospital. Jeff and I went to the Starbucks across the street while her birthparents spent a few more minutes with her. I sat there smiling from ear to ear wondering if anyone around understood the magnitude of what was happening right beside them. It was one of the best days of my life and no one around me knew.
And then the juxtaposition of that day at Target, one of the hardest days of my life, and no one around me had any idea.
But even in my heaviness God spoke to me. He carried me. He gave me an abundant blessing of His grace and patience and I have felt it every single day.
He didn't answer our prayers to heal Jeff, but He never once left us alone.
There are times in our lives that God will allow pain, but always for a purpose. Let's not waste these painful memories. The Bible says that we overcome by the blood of the Lamb AND the word of our testimony. So let's share the hope He has given us and the lessons He has taught us because I cannot fathom having walked through those days without His love and peace surrounding us every step of the way. Above all else, regardless of what we walk through on this earth, I want to remind you- God is faithful and He is good.
Praise the LORD, all you nations. Praise him, all you people of the earth.
For he loves us with unfailing love; the LORD’s faithfulness endures forever.
Praise the LORD!
Psalm 117:1-2
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