Jeff and I had our first real fight as a married couple. About what? I have no idea. We were just months, maybe weeks, into our marriage and I remember lying down in bed next to him and crying. He was quickly sound asleep and I was angry and sad. My hurt turned to loneliness. I was married now. How could I feel lonely? As the tears streamed down my face and rolled on to my pillow, I was immediately taken back to the years I spent crying myself to sleep. The loneliness, the fear, the torment all came back in an instant and it was as if I ripped open an old wound and the weight of years of depression came crashing down on my chest like a sledgehammer. I physically couldn't lie there a second longer. The tears would not subside, the anxiety physically caused me to shake and I found myself curled up in a ball against our living room wall sobbing. I was that little girl again, lost and completely alone.
I sat on the floor, in the dark, in the middle of the night for I don't know how long. The tears kept coming. The anger would not subside and the loneliness became overwhelming. Then as clear as day I heard these words-
"Wouldn't it be easier if you just ended it all?"
This was not the first time I had heard these words, but it was the first time I heard them with the full knowledge of where they came from. My head shot up. I didn't cry another tear. I abruptly dried my eyes as if to spit in the devils face, stood up and went to bed.
I could cry over the loss of an ideal but I wasn't going to give another second to the lie of the enemy. I know the voice of my Savior and I know who He says I am and my worth to Him. And more than anything else those words made me angry. How many times had I believed that lie? How many days, months, even years had I spent truly believing that it would be easier to kill myself, that everyone else around me would be better off if I were gone?
It made me so angry. It still makes me angry.
Don't allow the devil to continue to whisper lies into your ears. You are more valuable than you could ever imagine. Learn to hear Jesus' voice. Study His Word. Stand on His promises. Don't let doubt, depression, anxiety or fear rob you of what He says is rightfully yours- peace, hope, grace, love and acceptance. Don't give up. YOU are worth it, so keep fighting.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
-Ps. 139:13-16
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