Exposed - The Great Sadness

"Shattered, but I'm not broken

Wounded, but time will heal

Heavy the load, the cross I bear

Lonely the road I trod, I dare

Shaken, but here I stand

Weary, Still I press on

Long are the nights, the tears I cry

Dark are the days, no sun in the sky, yes

Yet still I rise

Never to give up

Never to give in against all odds

Yet still I rise

High above the clouds

At times I feel low

Yet still I rise"

-Yolanda Adams, Yet Still I Rise

It's amazing how times of sadness can come upon you suddenly and without warning. Sometimes life events beyond your control take place, other times you cannot even account for the reasons behind the heaviness in your life.

Someone told me once that there were going to be times in my life that I wish I could just "erase the tape," but that God didn't want to erase it. He wanted to use it. So I hope that He uses my story to help you in some way. (It's only taken me 10-15 years to tell it.)

I am not writing this post out of a place of sadness or sorrow, but instead from a place of joy that is looking back to where I have been. I am choosing to remember a time in my life when loneliness filled my heart, regardless of the love that surrounded me. I do not share this lightly, and while I am typically an open book, I find this post leaving me completely exposed.

I can honestly say that I do not know exactly when this great sadness started or ended, but I know it began in middle school and went away some time in high school. It came upon me slowly. Growing up, I always held extremely tightly to my faith. I had very few friends who believed like I did and even fewer who actually lived what they believed. I had a lot of friends during school hours, but I wasn't one to be included in other activities. I wanted to fit it, but didn't want to compromise who I was. It was, and is, a never-ending battle. As humans we are created to be relational, but God knew that those years for me would be the most formative of my life. Had I chosen then that friendships trumped my desire to honor God, I would be a different woman today.

Do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that God has called us to live lonely, boring lives, but that there are times in our lives that He calls us apart from the crowds to develop our eyes and ears to see and hear Him more clearly. It is in those times that we learn to decipher His voice and to trust that He is more than enough. 

One of the hardest memories for me to look back on was how much I hated going to bed each night. I was a night owl and have never been one to fall asleep quickly. So the longer I lied there trying to fall asleep, the wetter and wetter my pillow became. I don't think I will ever forget those tears. They are just as real for me today as they were 15 years ago. I was just so lonely. I couldn't understand why God would allow me feel that way. I couldn't understand why I felt so alone. I was just a child and children shouldn't feel this way. No one should feel this way.

These feelings escalated through the years and opened the door to other issues. To my knowledge, no one else knew, and that was how I wanted it. I had to be strong. I had to be self-sufficient. I have no idea why at such a young age I felt this way, but I wanted to work it out on my own. Now having children of my own and had this been my child, I would have wanted to know how to best be there for them. But I know that is not what God wanted. This is where my real spiritual journey began and it began not because someone forced me into it. It began out of a real need for a real Savior. I had to "work out my own salvation" And that is exactly what I did.

"...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." - Philippians 2:12-13

The turning point came for me when I heard my pastor say one Sunday that if you were feeling lonely, you should turn that into alone time with God. So that is just what I did. I spent hours and days on the floor of my little walk-in closet. I wore my Bible to pieces and pinned prayer requests on my closet wall, so that I could see them as I sat there to pray. I got up early and went to bed late. I still cried, but I knew I wasn't alone. I was able to see more clearly that while I was choosing not to confide in those around me and while I still was not included in activities, God had still strategically placed people in my life when I needed them. And even more importantly, regardless of who else came in and out of my life that He would always be there.

It was during those times of needed growth that God allowed me to be alone. It was during those times that He let me feel secluded or isolated. All the while, I had always been surrounded by people who loved and supported me, even if I didn't see it. But it was for my good that He allowed those things to happen. I hated middle school, but the person I am today is a direct reflection of the person He molded during those years of tears and loneliness. He taught me who I was without the voices of so many other to drowned His out.

I do not always understand why God allows us to go through things, but I am learning to trust His plan. I am learning that He always knows best and that when I am weak, He is strong.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28