My Little Shadow

Each day as I struggle to get myself put together and dressed, I am constantly tripping over my shadow.  

As I clean the kitchen, empty the trash and sweep the floors, the shadow is still there.

My shadow follows me to the mailbox, demolishes the pile of once folded laundry and pulls out every dish loaded in the dish washer.

My little shadow is already half of my height and has her own opinion on what she wears, when she sleeps and where she goes.

The gravity of my position of influence over her, as her mother, is weighing heavily on me. I understand that no one is perfect and that is not what I am trying to attain. I also understand that regardless of all of my aspirations to teach and raise her right, she will ultimately make her own decisions. But my little shadow is already beginning to mimic my every move. She is so small and yet so malleable. It just makes me think- What do I want her to mimic? What am I doing that I hope she never does? Who do I want her to become? 

Such questions will quickly bring to light the weaknesses and insecurities in your own life. You start picking out every fault you have- My house is always a mess. How will I teach my daughter to be neat and tidy when I can't do that myself? 

R is always pretending to use my make-up brushes. While it is cute now, everything in me wants her to know that true beauty is on the inside and that she doesn't need make-up to be beautiful. But how can I do that when I've put so much emphasis on outward beauty my whole life? 

I want my children to learn to be healthy and conscious of what they put in their bodies. Ummm.... yes, I used to be a personal trainer, but I would be embarrassed for anyone to know the foods that I eat sometimes. 

But my shadow sees it all. 

My shadow sees what I can hide from the rest of the world. My shadow is what is teaching me that I can no longer preach one thing and practice another. My shadow is driving me to be a better person, a better wife and a better mother. This is my most important job and I cannot afford to fail.

Right now I only have one shadow, but before long there will be two. Baby Girl will be up and mobile and catching on even quicker than her big sister and I want to be a good example for both of them.

I love to teach lessons from everyday situations. I know it will probably be one of those things my kids roll their eyes at when they are teenagers. But I want to do more than teach it, I want to live it. What do I want my legacy to be?

I am thankful that God puts this desire in us as parents to better ourselves, but I am also thankful for the grace He gives us when we fail over and over again. I know that regardless of my passion to raise them up as He would want, I am not perfect and somethings will fall through the cracks. But when that happens, He will fill in the gaps. I love that He knows our hearts, and I am grateful to understand that the guilt the world tries to place on us, especially as parents, is NOT from Him.

I am choosing to rest in Him and trust that He will show me the changes I need to make. But even more importantly, I am trusting that He will help me make them because someday my shadows will have little shadows of their own.